Thanks for the "Pope" pulp, but you shouldn't have

"High Hat,"
by Greg Mandel

I hadn't read four complete paragraphs of "High Hat" when I began asking myself if I'd had enough and it was okay to stop.

The same question came to mind many times, but I kept forcing myself on, just to see if Greg Mandel could pull off this wacky idea of a Mickey Spillane-type pulp fiction novel in which the private detective has a day job -- as the pope, the leader of the Roman Catholic Church.

After plodding through all the obtuse private-eye vernacular for 130 pages, the answer was, "No."

Sorry, Greg. All the kitsch in the world can't save a hokey plot. And how many 130-page paperbacks can you describe as having to plod through?

It's like the author put all the energy into trying to come up with cute similes and metaphors ala Mike Hammer and forgot that realistic drama was an essential element to hold readers' attention.

The storyline has someone trying to get possession of the bones of St. Peter because they allegedly have mysterious powers. The pope, as alter ego A. Pope -- get it? -- Vatican City's only private detective, stumbles on the bad guys and goes through the usual ups and downs the pulp fiction genre requires, getting into as much hot water as, well, as Mandel might have put it, enough hot water to bathe the whole College of Cardinals.

And the creative P-I lingo? Papal garments are call "the holy muumuu;" lips are "ruby smoochers;" the pope never walks anywhere, he "ankles" over; the Mennonite splinter group bad guys are "pretzel benders." All that's campy for a while, and silly almost to the point of funny, but not quite.

Save yourself the two hours. If you need a fix of stuff like this, find a "Batman" rerun on cable TV. That's about the quality of the story and the action -- and you'll only be wasting 30 minutes of your life. -- bz